It’s almost Thanksgiving and the theme that so many of my patients have been broaching this week is: How are they possibly going to handle this holiday with friends and family? They often couch that question with the confession: “This is so embarrassing, or, “I know this is “weird.” Why? Well, a polarized country and other things we’ll get to, but more generally because parked front and center in their mind’s eye of what they think is “normal” for holiday gatherings is the Norman Rockwell paradigm: harmony, peace, togetherness. But, the intruding picture that photobombs over the turkey and smiling faces, is more like the splatter a Jackson Pollock painting—and not even one with the more cheerful colors. In other words: Conflict, chaos, and stress is what is anticipated at the iconic Thanksgiving table. Dig in! But also, spoiler alert: there is a reason why Norman Rockwell’s painting is a classic—it’s what we might want to achieve, but don’t. Not easily. Especially not this year.
There’s a lot going on. Again. The emotional bandwidth for the species seems to remain on backorder.
So while I myself am running around, hoping (aching ) to release all the expectations, frustrations, fears, and drop down into that zen place to receive the elusive but exquisite airstream of gratitude, I myself am wondering how the heck we—with the tension of our divided country drilling down into many family tables this year— are going to get there.
I’m pondering this while in line in Walgreens looking for last minute items, and I see a Friends Trivia Game. I decide it’s a must have. Who doesn’t like Friends? I take the ten dollar gamble and pick it up. A gentleman behind me in line asks where I found that. We agree that this year we need to have ways to connect with each other and not talk about politics…. Surveying the national landscape, I see two major categories of disconnection—either we agree about mostly everything but we’re too exhausted to put the effort into listening and responding, or, the second category of apprehension where there is disagreement and any conversation about a polarizing topic will be an instant tinder box.
Either way, things are going to be said that probably shouldn’t. Then what?
So as I’m thinking—do we have the cranberry sauce, trying to locate the rarely used pie servers, and feeling a little cranky about the running around I’m doing, I’m actually thinking that the most important tool so many of us need to navigate these holiday gatherings is an emotional rewind button. No, scrap that, a rewind button that also has handy phrases when we—already at our emotional limits, are set off by each other and are at a loss for words—or for the right words that won’t make things worse. What we need is one of those “Bop It” toys that shouts out challenging instructions, but instead of saying “pull it,” “twist it,” “shout it,” it hands us at the ready phrases like these: “I’m not super comfortable with this conversation.” Or “Can we have a do-over? Can we take a pause? Can we rewind? Can we take a step back? Can we not talk about that? This is hard for me. Can we all listen to each other, respectfully? It’s upsetting when we disagree.” And the supreme ez-pass of emotional pathways—“I’m sorry.”
Whether you decide to share this idea with your family and create your own collective “Bop It” cue cards, everyone throwing in their preferred signals, or you decide to just keep it in your head and regulate yourself, here are some other ideas to keep in mind for inner and hopefully outer peace at your holiday gatherings.
Don’t point fingers; team up, pause together, use “we” language
Notice the “we” language in the above suggestions. Research has shown that referring to the group project, “let’s not do this,” vs. “don’t do this” makes people less defensive and more likely to cooperate. Here’s a post I wrote all about that.
It’s worth the wait: Pause and respond, s-l-o-w-ly
“That’s wrong!! I need to correct it!! Immediately! ”Fast reactions are all emotion—they aren’t our best moments thoughtful responses. Trust yourself that it’s better to let a moment go by and decide how you want to respond, whether saying, “I’ll pass on that,” or even leaving the room, and knowing that when you do come around with something you want to say, it will be words you don’t regret. This will be more productive for all.
Don’t take the bait, or why you don’t have to respond to everything…
Remember some people thrive on conflict or controversy. So, maybe you let the hook go by and don’t go for it. As much as we might feel we need to react to everything that is unacceptable to us and that inaction may mean agreement in the fast mathematics of our minds, this is not true. The merciful thing—the best thing, the only thing really is to take care of ourselves. If someone is saying something offensive you can pull back in your chair to get distance, get up and leave (not in a huff, but under the guise of needing to use the bathroom or return a quick text) or simply—no explanation more than, “I’ll be back.” Because it’s likely that if the chances of a better outcome of two people listening to each other were possible, you wouldn’t feel the need to leave. Essentially you are being merciful to yourself by not taking the bait of getting pulled into a conversation you don’t want to have. It’s not your job.
Give signs of safety (you are friend, not foe) whenever possible
We know what signals of threat are even at a civilized dinner table: narrowed eyes, raised voice, interrupting. Dr Stephen Porges, originator of polyvagal theory emphasizes harnessing the power of safety signals to help us downregulate our life or death, fight or flight oriented nervous system. These include softening your facial expression, slowing your breathing especially the exhale, softening and slowing your voice, and of course—hugs. Do you do this for the other person? Maybe. But it will absolutely help you.
If the rewind button is “jammed,” try it again, and again
If your first bid at “let’s rewind” or “let’s do a do-over” doesn’t get traction, breathe and try again. Unlike a machine, we are not built to pivot immediately, but your gentle suggestion (or even firm) changes the dynamic, the conflict escalation requires at least two people and if you’ve opted out, eventually it will run out of steam.
We move as a group, we play off of each other, and we could do so in the direction of a conflict spiral, or, we can work on collaborative and collective healing. It’s worth it. Each table is a microcosm of the world at large. With so many feeling threadbare and exposed in these torn times, just proactively bringing the mindset of the rewind can prevent more tears in the fabric or even do some repair work, stitch by stitch, starting at our own tables.
Happy holidays all. Grateful for you. Here’s to less worry and more healing all around. For even more ideas check out one of my favorite posts about families and holidays.
©2024 Tamar Chansky, Ph.D, previously published on Psychology Today
