Are you in a toxic situation?
Most of us want to get along and have a working understanding that “getting along” is a two-way give and take street. Even if it’s not our first instinct when we are hurt or disappointed, we try to compromise, to “golden rule it;” we balance our hurt against the aspiration of reciprocity that sits on our better angel’s shoulder. We get there eventually.
When it comes to understanding a toxic relationship, the reciprocity model simply doesn’t apply. A toxic relationship isn’t just a “bad” version of a relationship, it operates on a different principle. A toxic dynamic is one where the needs of one person overrides the needs (and health and well-being) of the other. Full stop. Disregarding boundaries, a toxic dynamic gets in your head, renames your intentions, confuses your identity, even casts doubt on your perceptions and memories.
To those of us with a reciprocity mindset, it’s hard to fathom that someone else’s operating system could be so different from ours. In fact, our default sense of good will and mutuality may blind us from seeing that a destructive dynamic is underway, (leading to a lot of suffering), and instead we may explain our confusion and despondency by heading down a path of personal responsibility, blame, and failure:
Are we doing something wrong? Are we being too sensitive and it’s really not that bad? We may keep extending our good will to someone who is not giving that in return. Confidence and sense of self eroding, we increasingly find ourselves rethinking our own worth based on the attributes and intentions that someone else—via gaslighting— is telling us we have: “You are selfish, you are incompetent, you don’t understand, you are too sensitive,” and the like. It feels awful.
Recognizing that another operating system is at play is essential in freeing yourself from a toxic situation.
What is Toxicity? Why does it happen?
We all have insecurities, but some people cope with them like those plants that release poison to defend themselves from threats. They interact in a way that while it may be protecting them, it’s toxic to others. When they feel threatened or jealous—poison: They attack another person’s character. When they feel insecure about themselves—poison: they criticize you. When they feel afraid of being taken off guard by your agency—poison: they don’t let you speak. They ignore your needs when it feels like they will undermine theirs. They don’t see uncomfortable emotional experiences (jealousy, insecurity, uncertainty) as ones they need to reflect inward on and handle within themselves. Their solutions are outward, and they are destructive to you. You can feel compassion for the vulnerable “plant” but your compassion for the “plant” of you, must come first.
In a toxic dynamic one person’s reality and needs dictate how all interactions go. You’re left feeling (and sometimes directly told) that the other person’s frustration, unhappiness, disdain or disapproval is somehow your fault. And you should do better next time… But, in fact, it’s not your weakness, your shame, lack of assertiveness, emotional intelligence. In fact, it’s not you at all. This “it isn’t about you’ concept is captured perfectly by the title of Amanda Stern’s post: “It’s True: Hating Yourself Makes You a Bad Boss.” We could easily imagine spin off articles—Hating Yourself Makes You a Bad Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Friend and so on.
In order to grow, you need to go: Reclaiming yourself out of a toxic dynamic
A healthy relationship doesn’t feel great all the time, but a toxic one, pretty much never does. Sometimes what we learn from relationships is how to grow. But sometimes the thing we learn is that we need to go.
We wouldn’t ask ourselves—what is wrong with me, why can’t I tolerate this poison? I should be able to! That’s not how we’re built, but more to the point, that’s not why we’re here.
The crucial shift to reclaiming your life out of a toxic dynamic is realizing this isn’t good for you, and in fact, “this” wouldn’t be good for anyone. Relationships—whether with your partner or your dry cleaner shouldn’t be at your expense. It’s not your job. When we see this we can then shift from trying all the work arounds to make sure not to set off the other person, to instead thinking of what you need. Instead of thinking, “what am I doing wrong?” The focus shifts to naming the process: “This is unhealthy. This isn’t normal. This isn’t good for me.”
How to Take Care of Yourself in a Toxic Situation
Attend to your nervous system: When someone gets into your head, it gets into your body’s sense of safety. To counter the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism that gets activated, connect within and slow down your breathing often.
Use levity and visualization to shift the narrative: Inner levity helps—first think of an animal that best describes the other person. A sneaky weasel, a nippy crab, a stinging jelly fish. Then visualize that creature contained at a safe distance—in a net, in a box.
Reduce the impact of hurtful language Take the sting out of hurtful words that have been said to you with a change of language: sing the words, or even put them in google translate and say them in another language—hearing unkind words in another language doesn’t have meaning to you and undoes the shock and sting.
Limit your time alone together, bring a witness Sometimes better behavior will happen if others are present, so try to limit experiences where you are alone with the person. Toxic relationships cross boundaries so bring a buddy who can be an ally in the moment, and after the fact support your perceptions of what just happened.
Set boundaries and don’t expect a positive reception. It’s OK to say, “No,” or “I’m not comfortable”, or even “I won’t have this conversation.” Practice these statements so you have them ready at hand if you need them. Don’t expect a positive or even reasonable reaction; you wouldn’t need to say these things if that were the case.
If you are in a toxic situation, remember: you are not here to be the solution to someone else’s insecurities. When you are clear that whatever is going on is not about you, that’s when, in a hero’s way, you can begin to leave—whether through subtle “quiet quitting” or making a clean break, this is when healing can begin. Getting out of a toxic situation isn’t a shame or failure that you couldn’t make things better in the relationship—you were the only one who was trying. Getting out is honoring yourself. And that is why you’re here.
©2024 Tamar Chansky, Ph.D. previously posted on Psychology Today
