On Halloween this year, the New York Times reported that the elite Ethical Culture Fieldston School in the Bronx would be offering counseling support for their students after the election, not assign homework, and even make attendance optional the next day.
Immediately, social media descended on the school’s decision.
Among the many criticisms of coddling, helicoptering, making kids “unprepared for the real world,” and risking that kids won’t have “grit;” celebrities chimed in as well. Jerry Seinfeld, whose kids went to the school, voiced frustration that this approach encourages kids “to buckle.” On X, New York Congressional Representative Ritchie Torres voiced concern that approaches like these teach kids to be “psychologically fragile.”
As a mental health professional and child anxiety specialist, I had a very different reaction. My concern was not with the school’s decision, but with the resounding negative reaction to it.
Flexible Expectations Support Adaptation
When it comes to what builds resilience in kids, I think we keep getting something wrong.
We see efforts to make emotional space for kids as the problem. Not the solution. It’s not just space, but what can happen in that space with adults’ support. But importantly, the narrative of giving space as the problem runs counter to what science teaches about emotional resilience. Namely: high levels of stress keep us in fight or flight mode—which is the opposite of emotional processing mode. It’s survival mode. Making adjustments, being flexible with expectations, making “space” when appropriate, makes the navigating through emotions possible.
Giving kids the space to process their emotions won’t make them “fragile,” it is how they grow their resiliency and learn how to successfully adapt to experiences that are upsetting to them. They will have room to understand and modulate their reactions, and learn how to go forward effectively when the world doesn’t match what they thought (or hoped) it would be.
It’s Not One Size Fits All: Don’t Undermine Kids’ Sense of Agency by Deciding Whether Their Upset is Legitimate
Some of the objections to the school’s decision may come from the fact that we who are now adults never needed this kind of space. And maybe some kids don’t. We had the nightly TV news, kids have non-stop social media news. We are not the ones to decide what feels overwhelming or not to a child. Our job is to know what they’re feeling and guide them through.
Emotional Processing Needs to Be Taught; We Are the Teachers
Emotional processing is not intuitive. In fact It is incumbent on the adults— parents, teachers—to help kids learn these skills. We have a devastating youth mental health crisis. We need to be teaching kids how to process emotions, not making them feel bad for their feelings.
Not to mention, if kids are impacted by election results, we don’t want to discourage that engagement. Don’t we want children who are invested and involved in what’s happening in their country and their future? I think so.
It’s not fragility we need to be worried about: With this as the framing narrative, we’ve seen the mental health of kids in steep decline according to Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy. The CDC reports that among teens 15% diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and nearly 10% diagnosed with depression.
Let’s commit to no more mixed messaged about kids’ mental health and development. Either we are prioritizing kids’ mental health or we’re not.
Resilience Comes from Facing Difficulties and Learning to Adapt, Not from Just “Bouncing Back”
Resilience comes not from simply bouncing back, bootstrapping, ignoring, avoiding, or numbing out in social media. That leaves kids dysregulated, detached, discouraged, and frustrated. Resilience comes from accepting what is—even when disappointed or devastated—knowing we aren’t alone, and finding meaningful ways of building connections between what is and what can be. Maybe not today, but soon.
Resilience researcher Dr. Christina Bethell has found that children’s flourishing is correlated with their ability to talk with their parents about the tough things in life that have no easy answers; and parents who can sit in discomfort and uncertainty with their kids. Giving space to process emotions does not make kids more fragile, it facilitates curiosity, learning, and adaptation through emotional challenges. Kids need parents’ help processing complex emotions.
Kids who are able to talk with their parents about difficult topics learn how to regulate their emotions, handle ambiguity and complexity, and are more likely to flourish emotionally in life. We need to be good role models for our children to show how we keep going even with hard realities.
Here are some messages to guide your election day conversations:
- 1.Normalize feelings; Emphasize adaptation: Reassure your child that we will adapt, that we were made to heal, that it will take time, and that feeling upset, confused, or overwhelmed are expected reactions; they are temporary, and by unpacking them with someone we love we can learn about what matters to us.
- 2.Name feelings to tame them: Show your own process, name the feelings you are having. There may be many conflicting feelings that don’t add up, and that is normal. For example—upset about the results, angry for the process, appreciating living in a country where leaders are elected.
- 3.Think in parts and take action for what you believe It may feel that everything changed or is lost if your candidate didn’t win. What didn’t change is your values, what you believe in and what you will work for. You can ask your child what are the ways they want to continue to act on their beliefs going forward.
- 4.Disagree, yes, but aim away: Commit to being kind and open-minded whether your candidate won or lost. This is about what happened. Process your feelings without aiming them at an individual or a group.
There is no reset button; adaption takes time and work
Most schools will not offer a “mental heath day” for kids after the election, and that’s OK. All schools can support flexible expectations on election day and the days following, understanding that flexible expectations about homework aren’t about avoidance, or reinforcing a sense “you can’t take it,” on the contrary those changes are acknowledging and reinforcing—we want you to do what you need to take care of yourself.
So, please, rather than point the finger at well-meaning schools (and well-meaning critics!), let’s step up ourselves. We are the ones who can exercise leadership and responsibility. Let’s all try to be those better adults for the kids out there and most importantly, to the kids in our circles. See this as a teaching moment—historically, politically, and yes, emotionally. Listen to them, help them put things in perspective, encourage them to control what they can, and take action where they want to. Keep cultivating the sense of our collective responsibility for each other’s well-being and the planet and above all stay open to talking about these hard topics—this, ultimately, is how our children will continue to grow and flourish. Here’s to less worry all around.
©Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.
